Dear McDonald's...

Billions and billions served! I doubt you folks are even counting anymore, and who can blame you? Here in America, we don’t talk about numbers any larger than a billion unless we’re referencing the deficit, and nobody likes that. Except for maybe the Chinese, who have bought up a few trillion of that in their own bid to replace us as the next supreme world superpower. You guys seem aware of that as anyone, having opened some 700 golden arches in communist China since 1990. On the topic of China, we’ve all been thoroughly enjoying the games this year in Beijing this week, seeing the greatest athletes on the planet meet in an international celebration of strength and athleticism.

So, should it come as any surprise that the official restaurant of these games is Mickey D’s? Well, yes and no. On one hand, you guys have more money than Starbucks and God, and I would expect you to be currently teaming with NASA in hopes of laser-tattooing the phrase “I’m loving it” to the surface of the moon, for all to enjoy. Now on the other hand, you guys generally crank out some of the greasiest, most offensively unhealthy fast food on the face of the earth, arguably the largest single contributor to our rapidly degrading state of health in this nation. SO, when the television cuts away from the emaciated, muscular synchronized divers to the bold announcement of your creation of “the perfect chicken sandwich” I only narrowly avoid an aneurysm.

After witnessing a few more of these ads, in which real-looking Olympians appear to tout this new sandwich from their roadbikes and on the balance beam in some fictional gymnasium, I felt compelled to pick up the typewriter and let you guys in on a unique marketing concept I came up with tonight. The only reason why it’s so amusing to see Olympians about to bite into a big, juicy chicken and pickle sandwich is because we know, deep down in our hearts, that no human being on earth is capable of accomplishing anything remotely athletic within 48 hours of consuming anything off your menu.

So picture this with me: What would it take to actually see these athletes, live at the Beijing games, at the scene of their events, gobbling down French fries and big macs, mcflurrys before and after every race! How much dough will it take for Michael Phelps to chow down on three double cheeseburgers before the 400m freestyle? It would add a whole new element to the competition, as we at home could take bets on whether he’d first puke or poop his wetsuit on the second lap. Estonia would finally stand a chance against our dream team if each member were forced to consume a 20 piece chicken mcnugget box before every match! You guys could be Johnny on the spot with a bag full of stuff for the athletes, ready to take your name and reputation to the next level, and dispel all perceptions of your product as being generally detrimental to human life.

Don’t tell me you don’t have the cash to make something like this happen. I think we’re looking at a new era of advertising here, and you boys can’t afford not to be on the cutting edge if you expect to keep selling those billions and billions. I don’t require monetary compensation for you to use my idea. Seeing our sprite little gymnasts hit the vault at top speed with a belly full of your Quarter Pounder with cheese would be more than enough.

Can you imagine the ratings, considering the sick state of reality-tv obsession in our culture in the 21st century? Here would be the greatest athletes our nation has ever cultivated, barfing their brains out the same way we at home feel like doing after suffering through your culinary abortions!

So, more than anything, thanks for the humor in this dark economic time, and defining the poverty lines in America with one definitive golden swoosh. Also, congratulations on the perfect chicken sandwich. While I might suggest you lay off raping the rainforests for a while having accomplished such a feat, I’m sure you’re off to the races on the next big conquest, and I wish you the best of luck.

God Bless America,


Will Weston
San Francisco, CA