Why I Love Whiskey

While this site appears to be on a dangerous precipice of plummeting into full time abstract late night commercial analysis, i find myself inspired yet again. And, as OJ Simpson well knows, when inspiration knocks, sometimes you gotta break that whole door down and wave your glock all up in someone's nose to get something done. Now where was I? Oh yes. Commercials like this new one from Johnnie Walker remind me why i make whiskey my drink of choice, and also teach us so much about American history! Did you know any of these monumentally important historic events were remotely related to the simple consumption of Johnnie Walker? Take a looksee.



It's really little known fact that the Wright brothers used all their empty bottles of Johnnie Walker red to counterbalance the ailerons on the first flight in Kittyhawk. If they hadn't drawn up the plans to the airplane while hamboned on whiskey, we wouldn't be sitting in airports across the country today as American Airlines cancels our flights. Thanks, Johnnie Walker. I've obviously been wasting my time drinking Jack Daniels, because all that makes me want to do is set fire to my golden deer and put my head through a TV when America's Funniest Home Videos is on to see if Bob Saget's really inside.

In reality, i think we can all come to the agreement that if Johnnie Walker whiskey were responsible for the invention of an airplane, it would be the one featured forty seconds into this video. That one has always been my favorite, although the mutant seagull bicycle car early on is a contender. That's far too imaginative, probably a product of the Smirnoff team.



And how could we all forget the civil rights movement in the 1960's? While many historians contend that was the work of fearless leadership and human sacrifice, it was actually Johnnie Walker whiskey that opened the doors at the University of Alabama for desegregation in 1963. Who knew! Can your vodka tonic say that? The only thing vodka was there in history was Stalin's death march, and, more recently, the Girls Gone Wild dvd series "The Wildest Bar in America." You think you can hold a candle to the significance of Whiskey in American history? Look at that astronaut just floating around fixing things with his wrench. You think that astrophysicist is going to celebrate tightening that lugnut with a glass of merlot? Wrong.

As clearly shown in this commercial, New York city was built by guys pushing huge steel beams around in the 1930's, obviously plowed on Johnnie Walker. Really, its a miracle that city is even still around, considering. I urge each and every one of you to pick up a bottle of this liquid magic, which is remarkably easy to get, i might add. It's a wonder we haven't gotten wise to the pattern in visionary American accomplishments until this year of 2008, when the economy started looking like a urinal cake. Thank god this thing aired in the nick of time. Now get out there!